At the mercy of the driver

Well no. I am not talking of the driving ability nor the agility with which the careful & sensitive Hyderabadi Cab & Auto drivers traverse through the busy and polluted roads, just to take us to our destinations safely. No.

The objective of this essay is to help you understand the greatest fact of life: “Himesh Reshammiya is THE Almighty” – with the motto: When there is faith, there is no fear.

Picture this: You are sitting on the back seat of a Tata Sumo at 11:30 in the night and that too after 9 to 15 hours of mind numbing work. The driver is half asleep and so are the rest of your “cab-buddies”. The folks who have iPods or MP3 phones, plug them into their ears and snore away into oblivion and that leaves you alone, the aam admi/aurat, at the mercy of the driver‘s awesome MP3 collection or his favourite FM Station. Everything seems innocent and before you know what hit you, a loud “Dhin-Chik Dhin-Chik” sound starts coming from right under your own seat. The speaker system is so state-of-art that the seat acts like a trampoline. If you understand the language of that chart-busting song, you will understand the lyrics of the song. Incase you have never tried that or don’t understand the language of that song, try it the next time.

To cut your curiosity short, I present a very popular song on which our very own Abhishek Bachchan (of Paaaaa fame) dances to:

Appudi Phode Phode Phode
Asathi Phodu kannaale
Ippudi Phodu Phodu Phodu
Izhuthu Phodu kayyaale

Which literally translates to:
Put it like this,
Put it like that,
Mesmerize me and,
Put it like that,
Put it like this,
Pull & put, like this, like that!

Hmm. So. Well, I leave it to you to imagine what happens to that one person, listening to this song at 12 in the night in a cab/auto. I am no hater of the dhin-chic clan of music but THIS setting is too much for probably even Mithunda’s biggest fan to digest.

The driver, you see, is a bloody egoistic guy (haven’t come across a female driver). He does not like the rest of the folks listening to their own music on iPods & MP3 players while he’s playing such excellent music. And out of uncontrollable anger, he increases the volume. One of the daring folks requests the driver:

“Bhaiyya, thoda volume kam karo please”.

Duh! The driver has all his Ayn Rand Objectivism in place, like “he exists only for himself” and “he is the only one who controls the volume button of the music system” blah blah blah. Basically, he’s pissed. First you make him a universal brother Bhaiyya and also dare to speak to him in Hindi? When in Telangana be a Telanganite, he thinks! And further up goes the volume. Aaah, Oooh! 4000Watts of unadulterated bliss and all coming from under your own seat. How fortunate are you that you spend almost 2-3 hours of every single day of your pointless existence listening to these soul rising and life fulfilling songs. Who the hell needs Zakir Hussain & Pandit Ravi Shankar after these or even A R Rahman? God is there, very much, and looking down upon you and smiling his heart out. And, at this point I would like to let you know that the protagonist of this story is not you but my humble self, I.

At that moment, when the whole world seemed so hazy and I felt so close to God, the historian in me came alive and tried to figure out where this all started. Well folks, remember the Summer of 2006? No, not Mumbai Train attacks nor the nuclear treaty. It was that glorious summer that a new star rose in India and took Indian music industry to an all new level. He had been around but then created hysteria… a huge fat guy with a cap started a sensation called

“Tera Tera Teraaaa Surrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooouuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnrrrrrrrrrrr”.

(the nnn was added for the nasal effects)

Remember that? Yes, yes … I can see that expression on your face – “Aaaah” (a full faced smile with moist eyes) I know. It was an unprecedented hit and almost got him a few Grammies, just that the silly Americans could not understand what was being sung. Duh! Morons. What the heck is Jai Ho or even Roja in front of that. For his achievements in that glorious summer, the “All India Auto & Cab Drivers Union” named him their “Man of the Century”. To prove his cynical critics that he’s not overrated and and he’s got the talent to deserve the award the next year too, he doled out “Aap Kaa Suroor”, the movie. Thanks to India’s popular and favourite news channels Headlines Today & India TV, this was the Song of the Year 2006 in both the channels and was used as background score for various Automobile ads. Those years, his popularity threatened folks like SRK, Shashi Tharoor and Aamir Khan that Shashi joined Twitter, SRK bought an IPL team and Aamir went crazy and made Mangal Pandey. We all know what happened to their efforts. Huh. Who can even come close to Himessss? To please his fans/followers/devotees he doled out 3 films and numerous albums since then and there are several more in the pipeline. There is also a story of how an auto-wallah learnt english and html and created a page for him on Wikipedia. If that is not enough, the rest of the folks at All India Auto & Cab Drivers Union, in order to show their belief that God exists and has come down to the earth in the form of Himesssss, have passed a fatwa to play his songs in all vehicles and thereby, also enlighten those folks who work so hard and miss out these basic essentials of life.

Himess is God. Period. If you dare to disagree and think you can go and do a hunger strike and people will listen to you, you are mistaken! The driver will just turn the volume further high. Peace.

Phew. On another note, who the bloody hell introduced Drums & Remixes to the India music industry. Ass. I humbly wish to play “Appudi Phode Phode” & “Suroor” on the day of that crackpot’s funeral eve.

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